I have always been different. As a child, it was always made to look weird, undesirable, and something that should be overcome. It didn’t matter who I was around, or where I went, someone was always trying to erase my personality, and replace it with something, that was more agreeable with their selfish attitudes towards life. I was shamed for my sincerity, ridiculed for my sensibilities, and ultimately thrown away for not being useful to those that needed to label me as stupid, weak, and expendable. I was treated as though I was invisible, that is UNTIL, someone needed a scapegoat, to unload on, instead of just doing what needed to be done, or needed an emotional punching bag. This, of course, took it’s toll. And, by the time, I was 20, I had not only found personal forms of escapism, but I had become suicidal, which only led to experimentation with drugs and sex. I was basically looking for what anyone with spiritual gifts is seeking, when their whole life has been reduced down to nothing, and invalidated when it didn’t give others what they wanted, comfort, support, and any kind of joy, even if it was synthetic and/counterfeited. Once you have reached a place that makes no sense, only ever hurts, and feels like a cold, empty void, that is made to look like the extent of your existence, you learn to withdraw within yourself, to preserve what’s left of the life you have access to. And this is basically what I did for the first half of my life.
Because the forbidden fruit was what I was fed, and given a taste for, when I was very young, this determined the course that I would take, in the future. Culturally, we automatically assume much, because of how we are programmed to oversimplify everything of an abstract, spiritual nature. This, of course, is where every form of depravity is born. Human ego destroys what is beautiful, exploits what is pure, and makes what would have been intimately life-giving pornographic. Being trained up in this way, pretty much guarantees that we will become frustrated, disappointed, and in despair over what produces, nothing but chaos, in places that we all want to be made secure in. We aren’t taught how to connect in ways that are intimate, because of how quickly things get out of control, that we haven’t been taught to handle appropriately. At some point, usually before the age of 20, we start asking some serious questions about life, and we begin to recognize that what we know is not lining up with what is really happening around us. This produces a level of conflict within, that becomes unbearable, and ultimately just shuts us down emotionally, to some degree. We seek out comfort in any form available to us, especially when relationship has been made difficult, if not damn near impossible, in healthy ways. I was blamed for every failed relationship, regardless of the details, no matter how hard I tried to make it work. The more I was willing to take responsibility, the more I was marked as the problem, as well as, all that was wrong with my world. I was openly punished, sometimes legally, for even trying to get things right. Nothing I did was approved of, at all, for any reason, while I was constantly called names, that didn’t fit. And to add insult to injury, I was abandoned emotionally, spiritually, and even physically, by those that had done nothing, but gripe over the relationships I had, once I gained the courage to walk away from those situations. This wasn’t a matter of being damned if I did, and damned if I didn’t. This had been turned into a personal condemnation of my very existence, which made even less sense, than the double standards and conflicting messages that were always being thrown at me.
Because of my very active imagination, I always loved watching movies, listening to music, and doing some kind of creative activity like painting, drawing, and writing. I didn’t realize how much this would actually amount to something redemptive, until I was much older. I now make a life out of doing spiritual parallels to movie characters, themes, and lyrics. This doesn’t usually sit well with others, but it is the only way I know how to make sense of what doesn’t. I think it really just boils down to the fact that most people just want to be mindlessly entertained, by what the artistic create to express what they see in symbolic ways. I believe everyone sees this, but it takes vision to recognize the simple truths, in what most just want to expend on self-gratification. This is what I have discovered in the last few years, especially after getting into the convention scene.
I have been doing a lot of personal parallels lately, of fictional characters, that I identify with. I started with the Shilo Wallace character in, “Repo: The Genetic Opera,” which is actually what inspired this whole idea about finding a vehicle that carries us into a places, where we overcome what has been spoken over us, and is expected to be our inevitable fate. Most are just addicted to Zydrate, in her world, because they have been led to believe that despair is their only reality. So it makes sense to them to feel nothing at all, and to have no memory of what someone exploited the advantage of, at their ultimate expense. Even after losing everything in her world, that could have ever mattered, Shilo chose to go her own way, even though she was being given the opportunity to secure her future, financially. She said no, because as she put it, “I am not a murderer, and I don’t have to agree with what has been believed about me.” And she walked away from a life, that hadn’t ever been real or even stable, into a future, that was uncertain, but more hopeful, than anything she had known before. It was the unexpected happy ending to a very dark, violent story.
Another character I have been identifying with is the Jupiter Jones character in, “Jupiter Ascending.” She was basically the archetypal character that is resigned to a life of mediocrity and slavery, after her parents die. This is where the connection between her and Shilo exists in my mind. The interesting thing about Jupiter is that her whole story is about reclaiming identity that was stolen from her, through injustice. There are others that have always known who she is, what her real life should be, and that their authority and power will be seriously threatened, and even lost if she ever finds out. I can so relate to that kind of thing.
And so all of this leads into the next phase of my life, that has become possible to me, because I can see very clearly behind me, in the things that robbed me of my vision, power, and creativity. All I needed was to be shown that someone believed in me, and that even though they could see what everyone else could, they wouldn’t take advantage of what had been made accessible to them. I will explore this more in my next two posts.