Proximity to Access

I have had the ability to perceive spiritual reality since I was a child. I never heard the word “empath,” until I was an adult, that needed to be saved from the psychological damage, that I had sustained from an abusive childhood. I was just starting to feel the gravity when I began to deconstruct all of the arguments that had been used to justify it all. It would be many more years before I would understand why it all felt so heavy. Like most people, I fixated on entertainment, because it was my escape from a world that never made sense, and was always being ruined by someone, that just wanted to complain about everything, all the time. I watched TV, movies, and listened to my music because I loved it all. I well remember being the introverted nerd as a teenager, that was happy to stay home, if a movie I wanted to see was on TV, or had it rented. It wasn’t long before my inner world was discovered by those that had caused the chaos, that made me withdraw inwardly, to begin with. If I tried to read, watch, or listen to anything at all, that I enjoyed, I was constantly being interrupted, targeted, labeled, and judged for it. That never made sense, either. Why bother someone that is obviously trying to mind their own business? Why call them the rude, abusive one, because they aren’t in your face, seeking your approval and attention, while mindlessly entertaining you? Why not do that for yourself, just like they had to learn to? This is where I learned things that I never wanted to know about how toxic humanity really becomes when it feels disconnected from a greater purpose. On the surface, it would appear that they have become blind, but the reality of it is that they see you very clearly, even more so than you see them. They are fully aware of what will happen if that door swings both ways, which is why psychological warfare becomes necessary. They know you don’t know the rules of engagement because they were deliberately withheld for that reason. So that you would never have the presence of mind to even know what just happened when they start with the inappropriate reactions to perceived slights and keep you in a spin with all the mind games. This is every bit of a psychological hit-and-run. Having to live in this for years is bad enough, without having others agree with it, and even calling it discipline because no other option was given. It produces the same effect as being in a war zone and having to see things that the human mind was never equipped to handle. People can laugh all they want about what they don’t believe is real, but it doesn’t erase the evidence of damage. Any kind of abuse is unnatural, breaks the spirit, and is the root of all mental health problems. Interestingly, having mental health issues isn’t the same as being morally insane. One stems from constant exposure to cruelty, without relief or comfort, while the other is the full knowledge of what would have been right, fair, true, and what flows out of natural affection, but chooses to do the opposite to punish and control outcomes. Technically, that’s how the Bible defines sin, knowing what is right, and flatly refusing to do it, for whatever reason. I would even go as far as to say that is also the root of all cowardice and is a refusal to love well. This is how everything becomes dysfunctional, when someone breaks the connection, out of personal convenience, that will make things dark and powerless. That is a movie reference that portrayed the life of one of my strongest influences in writing. I have also found that energy becomes toxic where there is no spiritual flow in things.

So fast-forward a couple of decades. It was like everything started to come full-circle, and I didn’t realize it, until recently. About 3 years ago, I started having some inexplicable spiritual encounters again, after years of being given, nothing but opposition, if I even said anything about what I CAN SEE AND FEEL, and always have been able to. This is where I started to write down my ideas and experiences because I was told that I should share them publicly. That whole year was interesting in ways, that I didn’t have the context to understand the gravity of, at the time. People had spent years making sure that I knew that I wasn’t just crazy, but that I should have no rights, no feelings, and no consideration. I was constantly told that I had no authority to even say anything about what was still being enabled and empowered. I had been overruled, literally every time I had ever tried to say or do anything. AND, I was told that was the way it was going to be, PERIOD!!! I was the one that was being selfish by not accepting my fate. This was all gaslighting, of course, which has become the most subtle evidence of deception than I could ever imagine. At some point, you realize that people were not ignorant, innocent, or even mistaken. They were willfully protecting the knowledge of things that should have never been given hands and feet and unchallenged authority. Absolute power inevitably leads to corruption. If it doesn’t make sense for people to collectively agree with something, that shouldn’t just be illegal, but unthinkable. Be sure that there is more than just answers being guarded when people bully you into silence. I created my first online blog site that Spring. That Summer, I was given my first glimmers of hope, like little embers rising up off of a fire, that I thought had been snuffed out for good. At the end of that Summer, I got the shock of a lifetime. My mother passed away suddenly in her sleep. It was the last week of August. I received a new understanding of comfort, hope, and peace, in the days before we buried her. That’s when I realized that, for some reason, that I may never know, I was being given what could be called pre-emptive grace. A couple of weeks later, I got involved with Messianic Judaism in a way, that stunned me into silence. A month later, I booked a trip to my first cosplay convention, because after being brought into the spiritual reality of things, I was feeling the need to escape into my entertainment again. I didn’t realize that what I was really doing was grieving a life that was never given a chance to have any joy, peace, and community in it. I had planted ministries, led them, and been in church my whole life, but that was driven by compulsion,  because of how much I had been beaten into submission, growing up. I had no concept of passion because my whole world had been darkened by those that were driven by a lust for comfort, power, and status, regardless, of how much loss they had to force into the lives of others. This is why the tunnel is an illusion, and the light at the end is so far off when you start to see that it does exist in your world.

In November, on the first night of my first convention, I had a vision, alone in my hotel room, after a night of interactions, that I was completely ill-equipped to know how to navigate, without being perceived as a lamb among wolves. I remember, even now, very distinctly, what only flashed before my eyes for a moment. I saw a little girl bowed down on the ground, with her head hung low, under an overcast sky. A loud, booming voice spoke these words. “You have suffered long enough. I want to show you some new things.” I had no reason to believe in the existence of a benevolent God, much less the presence of one, that wanted to speak to me and show me things that others had deliberately tried to keep me ever knowing the power, value, and depths of. I would have, initially, walked away from this experience, in skepticism, if those that did understand what had just happened had treated me the same way I had always been treated. There were some that told me what it meant, while others gave me reactions that I didn’t know how to process. That’s when I started noticing the evidence of what I was never supposed to know at all. Those that had chosen to do evil things with their carnal knowledge of God, knew the value of what they had made me believe was untouchable, my whole life. This is where I learned the difference between proximity and dimension when it comes to spiritual encounters. There are those that just want the proximity of access. In other words, they want the benefits without the sacrifice or the intensity that the glory of God carries. You can always tell when someone understands this, because of what they will say to you when they are actually jealous of your abilities. It never fails to condemn them immediately, when they try to say that what you share is too heavy, and isn’t entertaining enough. Get back in line, I have been there, too. That doesn’t protect you from being seen as you are, which is no different or better than me. I did some word studies to find the origins of these words. Proximity comes from Latin, meaning, “next.” That’s exactly how I was made to feel by people that wanted to be closer to me, by telling me what they knew I wanted to hear, but were just treating me like an archetype, that was just next in line, to give them whatever they wanted. I always wondered why they didn’t just go get it themselves, and why I was always treated like the access point, that I was never allowed to know about. It’s quite simple, really. God gives grace to the humble but opposes the proud. I have heard that my whole life. Now I understand what it means to me personally. He gives me insight, the perception that sees through the darkness. Basically what I had been targeted for, and YES that is THE word for it, was to covertly give the proud what they had lost the privilege of, after they made God oppose them in their own efforts. Because grace is a buffer that keeps us from being killed on impact by the reality of this, that grace eventually exposes the true intentions of those that are doing this. That’s why the mind games become so frustratingly unending, spiritually insulting, and utterly pointless. It’s all about winning a perceived sense of status, a trophy that validates our efforts even if the whole approach is flawed from the beginning. If someone deflects, twists your words, or constantly redirects conversation every time it starts to go in a direction that would be personally satisfying, you can be sure that you are being manipulated by someone that DOES know what they are doing. They see your power, your strength, and your insight. They know that it is just a matter of time before you are going to see everything. Whatever they are using to distract you with, or to make you want to give them access is just the bait. It isn’t always about what they really want, but it will ALWAYS reflect the image of the desires they see in you. That pattern has never failed. That is also the reason that benefit will be withdrawn the minute they get what they want, or they feel the need to pull the plug because there is no chance of them winning the prize in the absence of consequence. They never wanted it for the right reasons. It was just the key to unlock the door. This is why someone can fake everything to make you think they ever liked you at all. It was all a game for them. You aren’t dealing with a normal human soul, with a divine revelation of God, when someone does that. You have had an encounter with the reality of the forbidden fruit, which is why it is so toxic and has intoxicated you. Spiritual seduction is like that. It is like heroin when it hits your system, but quickly becomes poison, that paralyzes everything that was alive and kicking. True wisdom comes from God. Any knowledge that masquerades as wisdom will eventually come to nothing because it was of human origin.

I also looked into the origins of the word dimension, because I was sitting with a friend yesterday, that used that word to describe a level of relationship between their parents. I had never heard anyone use that term before, in such context. It is also from Latin, meaning, “to measure something out.” That could be taken in different ways. I am going to take it in a direction of seeing beyond just the boundaries around something, that is seen, known, and understood. After what I have seen and have experienced in the last year, which turned out to be the details of my own redemption, this is my idea of dimension.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.”

To me, dimension is so much better than just having proximity. It is not complicated, but it is complex. And that is what makes it so interesting to me. I may understand many things, that most don’t or won’t grasp the reality of, but I will never understand not wanting this. This is my idea of intimacy. And it is worth all the hell that I have to overcome to have the amazing healing and restoration of.

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