I have spent the last 3 years, trying to process the difference, that was brought into my world, after a lifetime of isolation, denial, and psychological mind games, that I still don’t know the source of. All I know is that I have written many posts about how the process made me feel, and all the things that it uncovered the value, meaning, and purpose of. In that time, I have learned much that I don’t think that anything, but personal experience could have taught me. I have found that courage is rare, and is often viewed as insanity in women, which has made me an easy target for projection, deflection, and reflection. I am so used to being opposed, by people that think that agreement is necessary for unity, that I use what they throw at me, to build myself up, since their point is to knock me down, and take me out of the game. There are too many people that will dismiss this, as being random, but I know now, all too well, that it is, indeed, malicious intent. One thing I have had to be mindful of is that spiritual reality is valid, and people that tried to make it look like my twisted imagination, only showed me the depths of it. I have had the ability to do some things, since I was a child, but was constantly discredited, and defined with a mental health diagnosis so that I would never be heard, believed, or given a moment’s consideration. It makes zero sense to keep someone broken, and bound to their misery, until you realize what the point was, from the beginning. Pay attention to everything that you have been ridiculed and bullied for. It isn’t just because people are jerks. They are inadvertently showing you your potential, and revealing a level of truth to you, that they probably don’t even fully grasp the gravity of. I have also noticed that truly toxic people will criticize and oppose any form of self-comfort you learn to provide for yourself, because that gets in their way, in ways that I still don’t want to understand. All I know is that, for every time I derived joy and comfort from something, it was either, taken away, and destroyed right in front of my face, or torn down and deflated of any kind of life. Basically, everything that had my attention, for any reason, was hated, and constantly interrupted and ruined, so that I couldn’t actually get anything out of it. Confusing behavior, for sure. It wasn’t until I understood the reality of narcissistic/self-destructive tendencies, that I even found a place to begin to process all the damage that had been done to life, that was created for more than, to just be crushed underneath so much opposition and condemnation. For so many years, I felt like I was just having to duck and run through everything because I didn’t know what else to do. Someone somewhere was ALWAYS angry, and it was ALWAYS my fault, regardless of the source of the trouble, or the problem. I was led to believe that this wasn’t just justified, but that it was the result of my lack of intelligence, wisdom, and maturity. For every time that I wasn’t smart enough, strong enough, and mature enough to avoid whatever it was that was being made to hurt, I was told that it was my responsibility to make it stop. I believed this for a while because everyone was agreeing with things, that never made sense, at all. I went on with life, believing that I had caused a divorce for not being more submissive to what was clearly unhealthy and abusive behavior, that would explode in a moment, anytime I didn’t do what was wanted, liked, and accepted. Nevermind that I had evidence of infidelity, I had caused that, too, simply because of how someone else felt, even though I had not withheld anything intimately. Then, I was told all of the horrible things that I would also cause if I tried to walk away to a better life, with anyone else, and that would all be on my head, too. In hindsight, I now understand the value and power of words, when we speak them to someone that we know the capabilities and the see the potential of.
I am not going to bore with the details of what happened next, but I will say this. I learned much in that season, that I didn’t realize would matter as much as it did later. Everything we learn in one season equips us to not just survive the next, but actually gives us what we will need to do what is needed, and not just for ourselves, either. It is such a waste of pain, frustration, and life, for us to not recognize the value of our experiences, simply because someone tried to erase the evidence of whatever they didn’t “win.” I have become a very annoying person because I stopped being frustrated with people that try to sweep everything under the rug, and I started paying attention to why. I initially started doing this with my first divorce, but it became even more necessary when I remarried and faced a lot of the same treatment again.
Now is a good time for me to note a word of prophesy that was spoken over me when I was dating my second husband. A lot of what we don’t understand will become very profound later. I was told in 2004, that I needed to be writing down my ideas because one day what I write would help others. I was like, “Pffftt, whatever….” I thought this guy was really creepy, with the way he would just walk up, and say things like that. He was an elder at my future husband’s church. I had been Southern Baptist my whole life. So this was culture shock to be in a Pentecostal church for the first time. This came with the whole experience of deliverance, impartation, and everything you would expect. Within a year, I started writing down the really cool visions I was having, which actually started about a year and a half before I met the future husband. I was being flooded with things that I didn’t even know how to process. I just knew that I couldn’t ignore them, or write them off as hokey and ridiculous.
It seemed that every year was bringing with it unexpected and undesired experiences, that ultimately became setbacks, in many ways. We both lost our jobs, a year apart. We gave birth to a special needs child, that became an amazing person, that saved us with the perspective that his life gave access to. We lost benefits and severance pay and had to build a home-business, from the ground up, in an almost total lack of moral support. We were sued by my ex for custody, which was also an unnecessary process, that was driven by a desire for control and revenge. There is just no excuse for the things that happen, or that people choose to engage in when they could be funneling those efforts into more productive things. I grieved in silence and in frustration for about 3 years, before I made a decision, that literally changed the course of my whole life.
I took the first few months of this year to do some heavy, personal retrospection because I was finding myself on the other side of much, and I needed to make peace with it all. This is a process I have been walking through, since 2013. So I didn’t realize that what I was really in the midst of was an endgame. In February, all I saw was a path of desolation and destruction, that was strewn with wreckage behind me. Initially, it was soul-crushing, because I was having to see the whole picture, as it really was, no romantic ideations to break my fall. Modern pop psychology, which is even more harmful than religion, in my opinion, will tell you to never look back. But that is exactly what will cut you off from a greater purpose in the things that have shattered your world. I have found that people aren’t really blind to what you try to show them, in your own way. They are unwilling to acknowledge what they see as hateful and unacceptable in themselves. This has been an interesting journey, to say the least. This gets even more frustrating and confusing when I know someone is spiritually gifted, but won’t accept the process that comes with that. The most devastating trip I have ever taken is in the knowledge that another soul shares my vision, but is choosing to use their access to that knowledge in ways that are ultimately self-destructive, while they believe they are controlling any given situation for their own personal advantage. This is usually done by someone that knows the value of true intimacy, but doesn’t want to pay the price for passage into what would not just heal them, on every level, but would bring them into the peace, presence, and joy they have been seeking in external thrills. For me, this manifested as addiction problems, and that’s how it usually does in others, too. It is just different in what brings that temporary buzz. The problem is that what we are trying to counterfeit joy and euphoria with, is usually what is dragging us down into another pit of despair. And of course, our selfish pride only compounds that, when we really want to stop, but literally can’t. Self-loathing is what we become very familiar with when we know what would heal us, if we could just agree with it, for once.
Because I could see all of this very clearly in myself, after recognizing the reality of generational influences, I started praying for myself, which is not something most people will even think is appropriate. But here’s the thing. I couldn’t bear the future that I could see ahead of me, because I had seen how it had played out in the women in my bloodline before me. I had personally lived through their desolation and bitterness, and it never led anywhere productive. In fact, it was always so self-defeating, that it just led back into more frustration. I didn’t want any of it, and I knew that it didn’t have to be the way, they had convinced me was inevitable. I remember teaching this in Children’s Ministry when I was teaching them the value of covenant, as it relates to how things, good and bad, get passed down through time and circumstance. I used craft loops and showed them how easily they would intertwine with one another, and make a long chain of events, that were all different colors. It was such a simple, but powerful visual object lesson. So I asked God to give me the future He had planned for me, instead of the future that had been taught through example.
This is where things really get serious. We pray our prayers, and we hope for a better future. But to be honest, that’s not going to happen, unless we care A LOT about doing what we are being called upon to establish, that we can take responsibility for. I utterly hate worthless platitudes, because they give false hope and fleeting security. This is usually where I get myself in trouble with people, because that is what they want, something easy and comfortable, that leads into a place of privilege, that they are taught that God is in control of. It is just used as an excuse for cheap, sloppy grace, that ultimately, eliminates the purpose and the value of Jesus’ sacrifice. Because I see this as demoralizing, in and of itself, I started digging down and looking for the roots of my own damage. This is where I found a place to begin but didn’t realize it, until much later. The reason I didn’t fully understand that, is because of something else, that I found the reality of, through publishing my personal ideas on a world stage. If all I do is flow out of my own wounding, and seek to only heal myself, I am going to be continually wounded by the reality of others, that they will keep projecting back onto me. When I first started out, I saw this as being used as an ashtray, by those that were just giving me their grief, instead of crowning me with beauty. This may sound egocentric, but it is actually a graphic representation of what is really Biblical. We heap hot coals on the heads of those that we give our kindness to, instead of what they are expecting, because they have dumped their own hatred on us. This is where your influence will flow, because it really sends out ripples in all directions, when you make it quietly clear, that you aren’t defined by the word and actions, of those who don’t even have an accurate view of who they are. I found the real answer to this, through what God had been establishing in me for years, when I started writing my ideas and visions, that were based on real-life events, that deeply wounded me. Much of my initial experience with this was so devastating, that I just wanted to be free of the need for it. And it’s because people were so defeated in their own lives, that they were trying to keep familiar patterns in place, to avoid having to deal with any cognitive dissonance at all. I initially called this, “The Ricochet Effect,” because of how quickly things would fly back, and hit them, when they would try to take a shot at me, for supposedly being offensive to them. I get it. I just don’t want to stay in places I don’t belong anymore, regardless of the opposition being leveled at me. Their point was to make it look personal, so that I would shut up, and keeping focusing on what was wrong with me, instead of ever having the presence of mind to realize that what was really on trial was the identity, that was lost in the echo of generational curses. When I really started meditating on this, an interesting vision began to unfold, that I was at a loss for being able to define with my limited vocabulary. From my own limited vision, I only saw things from a psychological standpoint. A projection is easy to understand but is kind of limited in what it reveals, because it is trying to blind us with light, that doesn’t really do anything, but overwhelm with its intensity. Iridescence is such a beautiful parallel of how God teaches us to be healers, instead of just absorbing the pain of those that deny the need for healing, by making us look like the pathetic, afflicted one. When I only saw what was behind me, as defined by the pain, that had been projected onto me, by those that did understand, but didn’t want to be bothered, it was dark, cold, desolate, and hopeless. There was no warmth or presence, much like a dank tomb. There was nothing left to build on, not even any evidence of what could have been, just complete annihilation. But when God started showing the colors that emerged when they were illuminated by His glory, it started to unfold like those beautiful, handmade paper fans, that I used to love as a child. And the cool thing about iridescence is that the appearance of those colors change, according to how you look at them, much like my original idea of parallax in flux. That’s when I really had a life-changing revelation. My words have power, not just because they always have, but because I had earned my spiritual authority in the things that I had chosen to humble myself in the forgiveness of. What I had always been wounded by, was the overflow of the hearts of those, that had limited their own influence, by choosing to stay stuck in those infinite patterns of self-hatred, that only kept them bound to an unmerciful master, their own ego, with it all of its desires. They were basically rattling their chains at me when they saw the light that my colors were giving beauty and glory to. I never realized that this was a spiritual act of worship, until others, inadvertently showed me the evidence of their own misplaced worship, which is pretty much what carnal knowledge really is. What I found out was why those that are deemed acceptable, never really arrive at an eternal perspective. It’s because they aren’t allowed to look behind them, without being whipped by their own perception, of what should have been a wake-up call to climb up to higher things, long ago. In my vision of what unfolds and spreads out, I saw how vision really works, as it brings sense, wisdom, understanding, and healing to what has never had a beginning or an end. It struck me as intriguing that the Aleph-bet, which is the Hebrew alphabet runs in reverse, and the language it creates is read from right to left. I love to hear blessings spoken in the original Hebrew. There is power in those words, that I have spent years, trying to connect with the meaning and origin of, because I knew that I had just found the greatest source of healing, of all time. What I found out, is that I had hooked onto what I perceived as the antidote, that would remove the sting of death out of relationship. That was the most amazing thing, ever, the first time I saw the faintest glimmers of hope in the words of someone else that understood this, too. Sadly, the ones that have pointed me in that direction are not ones that were willing to actually share that promised land with me. They only wanted to get closer, to have proximity, without actually have gone the distance with me. Even this became a point of grace when I chose to make peace with the purpose of the process because I believed that I deserved that peace. This is what has become the spectrum of my eternal healing. I began to not just shift into yet another paradigm, but to re-focus upward, instead of inward. Yes, do your retrospection and your introspection for the season you are in but don’t stay there. It is just a reference point, to give you direction in what is going to be revealed next.
Knowledge only puffs us up and keeps us infected with the gravity of our unending desires for fulfillment. But love is what will build us up, enough to see over the walls we are hiding behind. Once we learn that love is worth fighting for, we will also see how wasteful we have been with what we have considered worth sacrificing greater things for. And of course, it is the truth, that sets us free enough to even know that. If we can survive the sorrow that will bring us into the knowledge of, we will know peace and freedom. And it will be because we finally saw it as worthy of what it will cost us. Life will begin the day, you become passionate about what matters. I know this now, because of the fear I see in people’s eyes when I speak life over them. What I am seeing is the death of all of what had held them, responding to what it has to, either let go of or to run in fear of. Either way, I know now how to reach in, and draw people out of what they may feel forever lost in. We don’t ever really save anyone, we just bring them into the awareness of what will make them whole, which is the reality of what Shalom is. It is their choice to receive that.